Friday, October 11, 2013

The "buts" and the "what ifs"

I had a much different post planned, but I just couldn't find the words I wanted to say. After Sunday's race I knew I was going to break up my recap into pre-race/photos, race recap, and post-race thoughts. I'm struggling with the post race thoughts, more than I thought that I would.

This week has been a roller coaster. The highs from the race (and yes there were a lot of them), to the lows of waking up Tuesday morning to find that someone incredibly special to me had passed away.

The world lost an incredible person this week. He was a great friend to the family (neighbor of my parents) who I have known the better part of my life (over 20 years). Our 'road' was like a second family growing up, I had little siblings that weren't blood related, second sets of parents that treated me as if I was there own. I am incredibly blessed to have the circle of friends/family that I do, there was never a lack of love and support. My heart breaks for my 'Marrowback family' and for the family Ron left behind.

I think of the last few years, how I moved away (only 35 minutes) and really 'neglected' my second family. Missing parties that I used to count down the days to growing up, not being there for life moments for people who never missed a life moment for me. But I also remember I was there for a party a few months ago, which little did I know was the last time I would see Ron. I joked with John that him meeting the 'Marrowback family' was just as important as my bloodlines, Ron and the others watched out for me as if it was their own daughter.

All of the things going on this week have had me very emotional, and questioning so many things. Not that this surprises me, but Tuesday night I was already on the computer looking at what marathons I could do between now and the end of the year to get my 3:15. Just one more shot.  I put my emotions into my running, so when I lose someone close to me like that- naturally the first thing I look at is the marathon.

As some of you already know, I am considering another marathon before the year is out. I feel like I want to take one more shot this year at 3:15. This was on my mind before getting the bad news Tuesday, but the emotions definitely strengthened my determination. Ron was taken from this world without notice, and way before his time. Life is tricky like that, we never know what's going to happen. 

So that means tell people you love them, take chances, dream big, and don't always live the "next time" kind of life....because you never know if that "next time" will come.

Karen did this post: Be Kind to Yourself, which really got me thinking. I'm not being nice to myself right now. I'm adding that sneaky little word "but" after things instead of celebrating the things that I should. 

I ran a 4 minute Marathon PR but I missed my 'A' goal by 2 minutes
I ran really smart negative splits but I wonder if I started 'too' slow
I earned another BQ for 2015 but I didn't get the time I need for a sponsorship I am vying for
My fastest miles were my last few but could I have gone even faster?
You get the point.
This is not how to show being grateful, this is proof that I have been taking so many things, running and non running related for granted.


Losing Ron is something that has saddened me beyond words- but has also reminded me that I need to be grateful. Why am I upset about running a 3:17 instead of a 3:15 marathon, when there are people who will never be able to run a marathon at all? Why am I worrying about picking a race or making a training plan when there are people who are struggling with more life-altering things like the Government Shutdown? Why was I worked up over not seeing John until 90 minutes after finishing the marathon, when Ron's wife and children will never get to see him again?

I have a ton to be grateful for, and I hate that it takes losing a loved one for that reminder. I've done a ton of thinking this week and know that this weekend is going to be very reflective. Memories, questions, thoughts, fears, wants, needs, all of it.

As you can tell my thoughts are all over the place right now. All I know is....am I going to look back and wonder 
"What if?"


26 comments:

  1. What a great reminder of what is truly important in life! Sorry for your loss :( Praying that The Lord brings you strength during this sad time for you

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tough questions Laura, I hope you find your answers.
    Family is more than the bloodlines you share and the loss of a loved one always leaves us hurt and looking for those answers.
    And Karen is bang on...let's be kind to ourselves!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, really need to work on being nice to others but also ourselves :)

      Delete
  3. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone close to you always puts things into perspective. I love the quote that you put up - "My life may not be perfect, but I am blessed." Very well said.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Amy. Perspective definitely gets changes after loss, and for the best...time to rearrange my priorities!

      Delete
  4. So sorry to hear about your loss and your post brought me to tears... Losing someone close makes you wonder and ponder things and why things are the way they are. Also makes you wonder if you could have done more been there more attended more gatherings. I to have second family who aren't blood related but I have a second dad and two big brothers (I am an only child) and they are all very protective of me and always have been. The oldest of my big brothers has been by my side with the whole thing with my Grandpa. We cried together Sunday when I hit that major breaking point and things were falling apart.
    Hang in there and know that your second family is proud of who you became and run that next marathon for Ron.
    We can't let the what ifs get us down (trust me I know all to well about letting them eat at me) but be proud of your marathon pr and work for the next goal of the 3:15 which by the way just amazing to run that far that fast!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Shelley, you're always such a sweetheart. I'm so glad you have a great support system around you dealing with your grandfather- it makes a world of a difference. *Hug!*

      Delete
  5. So sorry for your loss! I think running helps us put things in perspective--we run FOR those people who can't. Those we've lost, or those alive but physically unable. It's our motivation! You and your family are in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Running definitely puts things into perspective, one of the things I love most about it actually. Thank you for your kind words Courtney! :)

      Delete
  6. That is a great reminder to live in the moment. Thanks for posting this, it's a really good time for me to read it. I'm very sorry for your loss and maybe you can dedicate your next marathon to him? You did great in your marathon but if you feel like you can do another one before the year ends, go for it! Sometimes you have to take risks to really know and I don't think you'd have any regrets about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Amy:) Definitely have to take some risks sometimes- can't always wait for the "next time"...risks are in the works ;)

      Delete
  7. I'm so sorry for your loss, remember that it's not the amount of time you spend with someone it's how you spend your time. It sounds like you spent your time with this person doing quality things, sharing wonderful moments.

    I hate the "but" moments. It's easy to do, BUT don't let it get you down terribly. Of course as a selfish followreader I'd love to "see" you run your goal marathon, because the joy that you share in that moment is so palpable it makes the day brighter.

    I sound like a weirdo. *whistles awkwardly*

    Welp, Happy Friday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Definitely have many memories that will last a lifetime.

      I'm definitely working on not letting the "buts" get me down, "but" I am also working on my plan to change some of those "buts"-- you might get your wish...hint hint hahah:) Thanks for following along with my journey :)

      Delete
  8. This is exactly my thoughts of why you should run that marathon. You will always look back and say what if I flew there and ran the fastest race of my life and got the time. I am one to say go for it. I know you are struggling right now and I'm always here for you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose someone you are extremely close to throughout your life. Sending hugs and love to you, always <3

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so sorry for your loss. We had a similar family on our street and when the man passed away, it was really hard. ***hugs***

    I do think you should go for another marathon! I live by the thought that we only live once, and that we should enjoy each moment. Which race would you do? CIM is super fast! But all the way in CA...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lora, I'm finding more and more people who have had neighbors like "family" I'm glad to know other people had such a great experience like I did.

      Delete
  11. Always thankful - always grateful - I never see you as living your life anyway but to the fullest - so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  12. So sorry to hear about your loss. There are always going to be "what ifs" with EVERYTHING. I did some calculating... did you know going only 4 seconds faster per mile would equal about 2 minutes. It's impossible to know just how close you are during the Marathon. But you have 3:15 in the bag - It'd be cool to see you at Niagara Falls!

    ReplyDelete
  13. So sorry about your loss Laura! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Laura, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's amazing how death has a way of putting life into perspective.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...