Thursday, February 28, 2013

I am Trying, I swear

Ever have one of those days where you really doubt yourself, doubt your ability to accomplish things, doubt the way you look and feel? Those days you are focusing on the things you aren't doing, or the things you are doing wrong. Well the truth is, today is one of those days for me.

And we all know that if you say you have never felt that way, that you're full of crap. Just saying.

Well I am going to try something new today, instead of dwelling on those things, I am going to look at all the things I AM doing and ways I am working to make myself a better person, physically and emotionally.

I am trying to work towards Marathon number 5: This training cycle is different from my others, because I am also training for other things at the same time and I am not training for a PR. BUT I can't let that distract me, I am focusing on the fact that I know if I put in the effort I will get to the marathon and be prepared and cross the finish line, and then bounce back for the things to come after. I have to keep reminding myself that I can do this, it's not my first time and it wont be my last. So for all of you looking to run your first marathon, know that the anxiety doesn't always go away, even people with experience face the same issues you are going through, you are not alone.

I am trying to knock some books off of my reading list: Reading is incredibly important to me, I am always reeling for more knowledge and inspiration. I need a little boost right now, so I am reading some lighter,less serious and more fun reads. I will let you know how they are as I read along. The skinny Bitchin' is a journal type, so I think I'll use that in my blog posts to prompt some post ideas and reader feedback. The Mindy Kaling book is pretty good so far, talks about her struggles with weight as a kid, and her take on life; comic relief is a good way to describe it.

I am Tri-ing...well literally. For those who don't know, I am tackling my first half-ironman(70.3) this July. I don't claim to know very much about the whole multi-sport world, but I will do everything I can to learn. My training for it is going to be....dysfunctional at best. But to be honest that is how most of my training plans look. I have been floating back and forth between feeling confident and feeling completely terrified. So I am going to focus on the things I have been doing to help get to my goal. I have been biking more than normal, I have been trying to bike before my runs, to get the feeling of running after riding. I have been getting in the pool occasionally, I went today (went yesterday too) because I know this is something I really need to do more of. I need to stop focusing on the fact that I am new to tri's and just dive into this head first, no point in sticking your toe in the water first to see if it's cold. I know tri- training is going to be hard, more challenging than just my running, especially since I am training for running specific races at the same time. I am not going into this with the idea that it is going to be sunshine and daisies, I am ready for the challenge I just need to get my head on straight and get my ass to work.

I am trying to plan a wedding...Dear lord who knew this shin-dig would be such a pain in the ass to plan. I give wedding planners credit, it's bad enough dealing with myself during wedding planning, let alone someone else. Screw that! After we got engaged I was all Gung-ho on planning, then the holidays happened, and my sister baby showers that needed planned, and before I knew it....months had gone by and I hadn't gotten much accomplished on planning. Now that I am trying to get back into planning mode again, I just need to get organized and focus on what I have already done, and what the most important next steps are. For the record I have one BIG thing taken off the list... I HAVE MY DRESS :) [now I just need to make sure I can still fit into it next year for the wedding!]

I am trying not to be a self-conscious girl..but well that isn't going so well. I have been struggling emotionally with my weight lately. Before you get all "OH hell no, little white bitch didn't just say she's fat" on me, let me explain. NO I don't think I am fat, but I do think I can work on my body and trim down in some places, and tone others. There is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself and as long as you are realistic. I am realistic knowing I really don't have a lot of weight I could lose, and knowing that I shouldn't lose much either. I am a girl though, I worry about how I feel, I worry about how I am seen. Although I may not have a lot to lose, I really want to focus on getting more lean and toning some trouble spots that I have. I just need to keep my eating in check and focus on my training. But I am a girl and there will be days things wont fit like I want and day's I'll feel less than fit, but I've learned to use those days as motivation to work my ass off to get to the days where I can look in the mirror and think "Damn I'm good"

I am trying to better myself... as I have said a million times and will continue to say, I am far from perfect. I haven't always been the person I know I am capable of being. I see a therapist (saw her today, she awesome...just saying), and I don't care what people think about that. I have seen one since I was 14 years old and have been judged for it from the moment I started. Let me say this though, we all have problems, no one is perfect, and I believe there are more people in this world who need therapy more than I do. I have issues, but at least I am willing to get help and work on them, work on making myself into a better version of me. I am not hiding behind things, or pretending everything is okay, I am not trying to control other peoples lives simply because I cannot control my own (A lot of experience with someone doing's not a healthy friendship to be in...hence the reason it's done). I work hard every day, to be a good Fiance, a good friend, a good employee, a good athlete, and a good me. I make mistakes, I have a temper, and I can be the biggest stubborn pain in the ass you'll meet, but I am working on it. That is the best that I can tell you.

So basically what I am saying is...
Today was an off day for me, it happens, sometimes you can't stop it from happening. I had no motivation, my clothes didn't fit the way I wanted, I am over-tired and would love to curl up in a ball. But I have learned to make the most of it. I did what I could today, I got my work done, I pushed through a run that I really didn't want to do, I swam again to build my confidence for Tri's, I spilled my guts at therapy, I cleaned out the rest of my apartment, and now I am sitting here writing this. I also plan on getting on the bike later while I do laundry, nothing turns an off day around like endorphins and productivity.


  1. I have so much to comment about this post. I hope I can remember everything but if not I'll tell you on Sunday!

    When is your actual wedding? I agree and I know if I ever get engaged (hoping that is more of a when) but anyways I'm going to need a wedding planner. I cannot even begin to do that alone.

    Second, I know a lot of serious tri athletes that have PRed longer races when not just running because they have overall strength versus not.

    Third, I had the exact same day yesterday...therefore after a huge blowout with my housemate...I went to be at 8:23pm.

    See you Sunday and I'm super stoked!

    1. Wedding is, well um sometime next year, I have 2 dates in mind and just trying to nail down a place for one of them. We can talk about this Sunday, some of the things I have dealt with during planning so far are rather humorous.

      Sorry you had a craptastic day yesterday too, thank goodness today is a new day and a new month and a Friday, freaking hat trick. Well my actual weekend doesn't start till tomorrow since I work all day and night tonight, but hey Sunday is going to kick ass.

  2. I don't think I knew you were doing a 70.3, good for you! I'm hoping to do one someday, although I need to build my confidence in the water. And yes, off days happen. Endorphins always turn it around!

    1. I haven't been overly open about diving into a 70.3, mainly because I haven't really done tri's and I know people are going to judge me saying I need more experience before tackling 70.3. But lately I have mentioned it a little more and more because my training is amping up for it and people are noticing the added biking and swimming. I'm excited and nervous for it, and I'm at the point where I don't care what the naysayers say, I'm gonna give it my best shot!

      I know where you're coming from about building confidence in the water, give me sneakers and tell me to run and I'll do whatever you ask, swimming is a whole new ball game.


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